I'm bored

Today I'm 22weeks 2days. I feel the little guy kick and move all the time and sometimes Dustin can feel him too. Usually what happens is he kicks really well for a few minutes, I tell Dustin and he rushes to put his hand on my stomache and then baby boy doesn't move again for 20 minutes. I'm starting to recognize the difference in feet kicks and arm movements and be able to tell the position of the baby.

Alex has definitely perked up at the thought of a baby brother. He talks to my tummy and always asks how big the baby is now. I have to tell him that he doesn't grow much day to day but comparing it to the size he's supposed to be when he's born helps Alex see the difference.

Dustin is at High Adventure camp with his dad and brother this week. The in laws bought an enclosed trailer in St. George so he's driving it up to his dad as part of the trip. He asked if I wanted to go but I had to decline. Camping with a group of 18 males isn't my idea of fun, even if I wasn't still on bedrest.

Yes, I'm still on bedrest. While I'm loving being home, I'm not loving not doing the things I want to do. We've got new shelves in the garage that I want to organize to make room for the other new shelves that aren't put together yet but I can't. I have been able to do some crafts that I've been putting off. I've made a Halloween wreath, a piece quilt top for baby boy's quilt, crocheted a baby blanket for a friend and figured out how to work the sewing machine my mother in law gave me. The quilt looks fantastic and now I just need to make curtains to match. That's the problem with custom stuff. If I bought a crib set, it would have the matching curtains, bumper, crib skirt, etc. Making the quilt means, unless I want to make all the other stuff to match, I'll have to try to find solid color sheets, bumper, etc. Since I'm barely proficient with sewing straight lines, I'm going for the curtains and then solids for everything else.

However the good news is Alex is getting baptized on November 6th! Anyone that wants to come is invited and we're having a family lunch beforehand. If you're planning on coming, let me know so we have enough food for everyone. We've been reading the Book of Mormon and happened to get to Alma chapters 10-14 the last couple of days. Some great chapters to help explain the beliefs of the Church. We quiz Alex on what we're reading as we're going through to help him understand the scriptures (except for the Isaiah stuff-we don't understand that either) and he's had some really great questions and observations about the Resurrection, judgement day, and how we're different from other churches. It's been awesome to watch.

News!

We have some exciting news! We are expecting a Valentine's baby! I'm 15 weeks along and everything is going wonderfully so I thought it would be ok to officially announce it.

I'm currently on bed rest for a small placental tear but its been lightened to "princess" bed rest as my perinatalogist put it. I can't work, cook or clean but Dustin says I can shop :). Really it's not a lot different from the official bed rest I was on last week but I can leave the house now.

Some more good news is the baby gave us a full moon shot at the ultrasound and we learned the baby is a BOY! Alex is getting a little brother and is kind of ambivalent about it right now. We'll see if he perks up as it gets closer.

And the last piece of good news is we found a very nice, very reasonably priced SUV for Dustin to drive. It has all the perks he wanted and it was a price I could live with. Everyone wins!

Very exciting week for us!

And for those who want baby pictures, they're at the end so those that don't want to see them won't.

Its a hot hot summer

Its the last week of July now and its hot. Its Las Vegas and supposed to be hot but you kind of forget it in December when its 40 degrees in the morning. Or even colder some days. But then May comes and it creeps into the 90's and you start realizing just how hot 100 is. Or 102 or 108. We might hit 110 next week.



Thats dang hot. I'm grateful for the ugly tile floors as they help keep the house cool and the ac bill down. I want carpet in December but then I dream of a power bill over $200 in 6 months and I'm suddenly ok with ugly tile floors.



Not that I wouldn't change them if we actually owned the house mind you.

Now for your viewing pleasure...Alex and Dustin made this video about two weeks ago. Alex is going through a Michael Jackson phase and...let's just watch...





So, in the 6 months since the last post, Dustin made captain at work! Alex tried kneeboarding! I learned how to can strawberry jam! (Its a lot easier than I thought and I'm excited for peaches to go on sale so I can try those)



Dustin made it through a 9 credit semester in the spring. I'm still plugging through my classes but I should only have one more semester if I don't lose all my steam. I'm soooo tired of school but with the end in sight, its a little easier to keep moving.



We spent the last weekend of June up at Bear Lake, Idaho for the annual family reunion. Alex put on a magic show for the family skit but I had to tell him he couldn't charge people for watching. Shaking family down for money isn't really the best way to get them to like you.

Is it October yet?

The Holidays

After my last depressing post, this one will hopefully be a little more upbeat.

We spent the weekend after Christmas visiting the family in Brigham City. We drove up on Sunday for the family Christmas party. Alex asked the whole way if there would be snow and there was about 6 or so inches to make him happy. Some of the grandkids went sledding on Monday morning and I offered to be the photographer. I'm not about stuff that can get me injured as I almost invariably get injured. Alex was a pro in no time and luckily we were able to scrap together enough cold weather gear for him to insist he wasn't cold at all. There was a little jump that he aimed for every stinking time and got some good height a few times.

The Christmas party was fun. Pizza buffet were the kids could play games and the adults could chat followed by presents back at the in laws house. I have to say I'm most excited about my new sheet cake pan so I can make a chocolate sheet cake I've seen for years. Pioneer Woman, you have the best recipes!

Tuesday, Dustin and I went to Tia Pan Trading with his sister along with Smith & Edwards. If you've never been to Smith & Edwards, you really should go at least once. Its huge and everything is there. Kind of like a Wal-mart for camping and outdoor activities. I drooled over the kitchen section but with my trip to Tai Pan Trading coming up, I refrained from buying anything.

There's a few things I want to say about TPT. First, there is not one where we live. The closest is 2 hours away and the cost of gas defeats any money-saving you might do there unless you were already going to that town. Second, I could spend all day wandering the aisles. I must have walked through the Christmas clearance section 6 times trying to decide what I wanted and seeing new things every time I did. Third, its a really boring store for a husband and little boy to spend all day in. He had already been patient at Smith & Edwards so Alex was reaching his shopping limit. But, he was pretty patient and only asked every 4 minutes if we were done instead of every 2.

We came home on Wednesday and enjoyed New Year's Eve at home. My parents came over for dinner but were gone by 9pm so we played Monopoly with Alex (and he kicked our butts) and watched the fireworks at midnight. The next morning, Alex slept until 10. The staying up til midnight thing might be nice for those weekends when he wants to be up and playing at 6am on Saturday.

I would have to say it was a pretty nice Christmas season. Santa brought us a Wii so we got a Wii Fit to help with our new goals. I found a china hutch to repaint to display my growing collection of dishes and pitchers. I'll post about that when its done.

All in all, I'm very thankful for all of our blessings. This next year has to be better than the last one, right?

Why Not Me?

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love the ornaments and the baking and the shopping and the decorating. But I especially love the hope that seems to prevail during the month between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. Its almost tangible. Like the ringing of the Salvation Army bells it is unavoidable in the chilly air.

The last 17 months have brought sadness into our home four times. The most recent event being this last week and was confirmed this afternoon. Is it considered infertility if you can get pregnant but not stay that way? I haven't talked a lot about this mainly because it seems really personal but I feel compelled to go into it now.

The first miscarriage was July 2008. We found out the day before Dustin's cousin died in a plane crash and eagerly told both our families, including the young nieces and nephews over the phone. Two weeks later we were making another phone call to tell everyone we had lost the baby. A fluke, bad timing, won't happen again.

January 2009 came the second pregnancy. Still with no reason to be concerned, the first dr's appointment was made for the 8 week mark. The Friday before that appointment, I had some spotting and trip to the Emergency Room told us two things. One, the ER will do absolutely nothing and two, there wasn't a heartbeat at almost 8 weeks. There should have been one and my low hcg numbers verified it.

The second loss, and a doctor switch, lead to some testing and we learned that I have several clotting disorders. MTHFR hetero, lupus anticoagulant and plasminogen activator inhibitor. Essentially my blood clots into little tiny clots that don't do any harm in my veins but will prevent an embryo from being able to attach to the uterus and carry a pregnancy. Treatment is a baby aspirin a day and folic acid pills to start with Lovenox or Heparin shots after a heartbeat is detected and the pregnancy is viewed as viable. Lovenox and Heparin are blood thinners and should thin the blood enough to let it easily pass through the embryo's tiny system.

We learned we were pregnant in May 2009. But we had a plan! We knew what had caused the others and this one would be different. This one would work! We had a heartbeat at 6 weeks and I started giving myself shots every day. My abdomen looked like a punching bag but it didn't matter. The baby was growing and had a personality. She would hide from the ultrasound technician like a little stinker and we finally thought this was it.

At a routine check-up at 15 weeks, the heartbeat was gone. Our world imploded on itself and all we could do was cling to each other. Tests were supposed to be run but there was a miscommunication about what was ordered so we never found out what had happened. The likely possibility is the Lovenox wasn't a high enough dosage and clots formed between the placenta and the uterus choking the blood flow. We decided it was a girl and let Alex name her Daisy.

Again, it was a fluke. We'll up the dosage for any other pregnancies. We'll start other medications sooner. It will be the right time. It will work.

We decided to start trying as soon as we could. My age would only become a bigger obstacle the longer we waited and the desire to have a sibling for Alex was huge. But the heartache of losing three made us pause. When would we stop? At what point does the heartbreak overcome the desire for a baby?

Thats the hardest question a couple in this situation can face. Will the next one be it? What if we started the shots as soon as a positive test was shown? What if I'm on blood thinners constantly with the hope it will help? If we stop now, will we be denying a spirit the right to come to our home? The home of a righteous priesthood holder and members of the Church?

We found out I was pregnant again the weekend before Thanksgiving. I made doctor's appointments and they saw me almost immediately. On December 7th, I had an appointment with the specialist to see if there was a heartbeat. They didn't find one but it was still early. Blood work was ordered to check my hcg levels and progesterone. On Thursday we learned they hadn't doubled like they should and the progesterone was low. I started on a supplement (bringing my total pills daily to 11) and we prayed. Prayed for a miracle and for the numbers to be wrong.

Today we found out that there was no miracle. Another early loss. And I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant women. Women on a mom's board I belonged to that are due the same month I was due with Daisy. Women with babies who were born the same month I was due with the first two. And Alex telling me he's tired of being a "lonely" child and he would have been a great big brother and would have taken really good care of Daisy.

A friend of mine posted on her blog a few months ago about the Why Me? syndrome. Why do bad things happen to me? I'm a good person. We go to church and pay our tithing. I teach Primary. We do a lot of what we're supposed to (that darn Visiting Teaching is hard) and its not fair that there are so many people having children only to abuse and neglect them.

But what about Why Not Me? Her point is that none of us has done anything to exclude the trials of this life. Why shouldn't I be given this trial? Some people have monetary trials and some have abusive childhoods and some have lost their husbands too soon and others have fallen prey to adultery or pornography or alcohol or drugs. I'm fortunate that I have a husband who loves me, a really great son, we both have good jobs and cars that work. We're able to afford some luxuries and dinner out when we want it. Why would I be exempt from challenges? What makes us so special?

Everyone has trials. I guess the reason I'm posting this is to let the few readers I have know that everyone has something sucky going on. We're all in crisis mode and the pain of losing the babies doesn't ever go away. I just get better at hiding it. I'll never be able to feel the euphoria of getting a positive pregnancy test without also feeling the terror that we'll lose another one but another friend of mine once told me to enjoy each baby for the time that you have them. One day they'll be ours again.

I love shopping. I'm uber picky though, especially with decor items. I see things I love but then can't figure out how to make it work with my current stuff and then I theorize that it wouldn't be financially prudent to buy one thing to redecorate my whole bedroom/living room/kitchen/etc. So I pass and never ever see that thing I loved again. I've started buying these things when I see them so I can move things from the guest room to the living room, etc and mix things up a bit.

We've been talking about buying a new couch for a more formal look. But we wanted leather and well, nice leather from a furniture store was outside of our little budget. Craigslist, however, has lots of nice things for prices we are usually willing to pay. It takes some patience and lots of "they want HOW much for that ugly two tone, torn white leather?" to reach the "wow, thats really nice and affordable, we'll take it!" I found this couch before Park City and Dustin and Dad picked it up last week. Its currently sitting in the living room waiting for a place to be moved to but thats another project.

I also love boutique stores but usually the prices are too high and the merchandise isn't stuff I think I can really use. Before the BYU game on Saturday (where they thankfully didn't lose!), we walked over to a little shop I had seen on University Ave. Inside I found some great fall dessert plates a nice pitcher that happens to match our couch accent pillows. Look at the edging at the top! I love that. And a carved angel wing box. Plus the birthday present for the twin nieces but I'm not posting that picture.

All in all, it was a fun day. I found things I loved and actually match my current look and BYU won.

Park City

We just got home from the Annual Park City Weekend and I have to say the weather is a lot nicer in September than it is at home. Its rained the last three years so I have to wonder if its something to do with our visit. Maybe the clouds know that we're dying for some moisture by the time the weekend rolls around and some cooler air. Whatever it is, we really enjoyed it.

The flight we were able to catch happened to be during the early afternoon so we were the first to arrive. We spent the time putting together some outfits for last minute family pictures. One would think that a store that carries clothing for men, women, boys and girls would have items that would coordinate with each other. One would be wrong for thinking that. Old Navy really put us through the paces and we only actually found something because I gave up on the really cute green sweater for Alex and let Dustin pick his shirt first. Heidi took some great pictures of us on Saturday and we're really happy with them! Here's one of the pictures:

Alex also lost his other front tooth over the weekend. He expressed some disappointment with what the Tooth Fairy left so I'm sure the Tooth Fairy is rethinking future monetary trades.

Saturday evening was spent at the BYU vs. Florida State football game. Dustin got season tickets for Father's Day and we've been looking forward to this game for months. That lasted until just after halftime when FSU ran two touchdowns within the first 4 minutes of the second half. If you've seen the score, you know what happened after that. We waited until the last 6 minutes of the fourth quarter before throwing in the towel and hiking back the two miles to the car. About half way back we decided it was worth the $7 to park closer to the stadium.

My school semester ends at the end of this month. I've been working furiously to finish my last few assignments to end on a good note but the Statistics have been kicking my butt. Almost done with the math portion and then I'll move back to the Business classes.

Dustin is enjoying his German class. Its a difficult class to take online for the students with no background in speaking German but he is finding it fun.